In order to better support the needs of our clients and their families, we frequently post articles and other information of interest on this page.
Looking for a specific topic?
Have an idea?
We invite you to contact us directly with
your own topic ideas, comments, anecdotes and questions.
DATE POSTED Oct 2008 Sep 2008 Sep 2008
Many families in the
Divorce propels adults and children into numerous adjustments and challenges. While great diversity exists in children’s adjustment to divorce, and a majority of children weather the transition and become competent adults, up to a quarter of children whose parents divorce experience ongoing emotional and behavior difficulties (as compared to 10% of children whose parents do not divorce).
Spouses divorce each other, but they do not divorce their children. A majority of former spouses are able to establish a relatively conflict-free parenting relationship for the benefit of their children. However, about a third have difficulty in establishing a workable parenting relationship, even years after the divorce.
While counseling frequently helps couples to make their marriages more satisfying, there are also times when counseling can help a couple to see that they need time apart to better understand themselves and their relationship, or that they need to bring their marriage to an end.
Sometimes people learn in the process of therapy that aspects of their relationship are making it difficult for them to understand their separate needs as individuals or to communicate about them in a constructive ways. There are some situations in which a carefully considered separation, in which goals and communication are clear, give a couple a chance to get a better perspective on their relationship.
There are also relationships in which unresolved conflicts have been left unaddressed for so long that the damage they have caused can no longer be repaired. In other cases there may be true incompatibility in some fundamental aspect of the marriage that precludes a functioning partnership. When a marriage ends after sober reflection and careful consideration of the options, important decisions need to be made that have far-ranging ramifications, both emotionally and financially, for the partners and for their children. Every member of the re-organizing family will be profoundly affected by how the separating spouses each handle the emotional journey of divorce, by the access the children will have to both of their parents in the new two-household family, and by the financial arrangement made by the adults for their own care and that of their children. This period is a very vulnerable one in the life of the family; the importance of making healthy decisions that are guided by the overall well-being of all of its members can not be overstated.
Most parents who have a difficult relationship with their ex-spouse but who want to coparent start out with "parallel parenting." In this arrangement, each parent assumes total responsibility for the children during the time they are together; there is no expectation of flexibility and little contact with the other parent. As time goes on and anger dissipates, parents may develop some version of "cooperative parenting." In this arrangement, parents communicate directly and in a business-like manner regarding the children and coparenting schedules. Marriage and family therapists can be helpful to families as they formulate or define their post-divorce parenting relationships. Parental conflict can hinder children’s adjustment and good coparenting skills are very important to a child's adjustment.
How can you help your children?
- Tell children about the divorce together, if possible.
- Answer children’s questions honestly, avoiding unnecessary details.
- Reassure children they are not to blame for divorce.
- Tell children they are loved and will be taken care of.
- Include the other parent in school and other activities.
- Be consistent and on time to pick up and return children.
- Develop a workable parenting plan that gives children access to both parents.
- Guard against canceling plans with children.
- Give children permission to have a loving, satisfying relationship with other parent.
- Avoid putting children in the middle and in the position of having to take sides.
- Avoid pumping children for information about the other parent.
- Avoid arguing and discussing child support issues in front of children.
- Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent or using the child as a pawn to hurt the other parent.
How do you know when to seek help?
When your children show signs of stress:
- acts younger than their chronological age
- fear of being apart from parent(s)
- moodiness
- acting out
- manipulation
- sadness and depression
- guilt
- sleep or eating problems
- change in personality
- academic and peer problems
- irrational fears and compulsive behavior
When you or your partner begins to:- use the legal system to fight with each other
- put down or badmouth the other parent
- use the children as message carriers or to spy on the other parent
(children feel caught in the middle)- experience high levels of conflict and children repeatedly try to stop the fighting
- rely on the children for a high level of emotional support and major responsibilities in the home
- experience depression or anxiety
What help is available for divorcing parents and their children?
Court-connected divorce education programs for parents and children
Programs for parents and, sometimes, children are recommended or required in over half of the counties in the
School programs for children
Some school systems offer small groups for children during the day or after school. In these groups children learn that they are not alone in their experience of divorce and learn coping strategies.
Family therapy
(available through public and private mental health centers and university family therapy centers)
REFERENCES
Ahrons, C. R. (1994). The good divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart.
The point of the Ahrons book is not that divorce is good, but that there is such a thing as a good divorce, in which couples part without destroying each other and their children. She concludes that about 50% of couples had cooperative coparental relationships one year post-divorce.
Blau, M. (1993). Families apart: Ten keys to successful co-parenting.
This book focuses on what separating parents need to know if they are thinking about coparenting. Blau identifies ten "keys" to good parenting after a divorce; chapters are organized around these keys. Blau lists many resources for parents and age-appropriate books for children.
Everett, C., & Everett, S. V. (1994). Healthy divorce.
This book describes 14 stages of adjustment from marital erosion through separation, mediation, and remarriage. Helpful ideas given for coparenting and mediating.
Gold, L. (1992). Between love and hate: A guide to civilized divorce.
This hands-on guide to the divorce process provides assessments and exercises that help parents learn to resolve conflict, improve communication, and avoid costly legal battles.
Lansky, V. (1991). Vicki Lansky’s divorce book for parents.
This inexpensive paperback book is a comprehensive guide that includes such topics as: telling the children, talking with your ex-spouse, dealing with support payments, dating, sex and the single parent, knowing when to get professional help, and handling holidays.
[ back to RESOURCE INDEX ]
By Felicia Goldberg, Ph.D., In recent weeks I have had a number of parents ask me how to help their children deal with stress. One theory worthy of consideration in dealing with stress is attachment theory. Throughout life, young children are more resilient if they have become attached to at least one significant adult. Being able to trust at least one adult pulls them through stressful times. Secure attachment provides a foundation for healthy development and healthy mental functioning. Although attachment exists all of the time, it is particularly evident when a child is ill, tired, or afraid. A child searches out that person who makes them feel safe and secure. Stress occurs when that person is not available...in proximity or emotionally. Separation is the flip side of attachment. Any indication that separation may occur causes stress. Children going into a new child care situation, to a new class, or to spend the night away from home (even to camp); can be stressed due to separation. Children can bring an attachment item along (blanket, bear) to child care, to ease the separation from parents. You are not spoiling their child by responding to their fright. If feelings are not recognized, they will be buried and later may surface... when the reason is not as evident. Significant adult availability and responsiveness is of great importance to move through the stressful time. PRE-SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN Reassure pre-schoolers that they're safe. Provide extra comfort and contact by discussing your child's fears at night, by telephoning during the day and with extra physical comforting. Allow them to express themselves through play or drawing. As with younger children, school-age children sometimes find comfort in expressing themselves through playing games or drawing what is making them anxious. Allowing them to do so and then talking about it gives you the story they have expressed in pictures and a starting point for communicating with them. General Guidelines for Parents Monitor you child's viewing of television and other media. Pre-school children view even make-believe violence as real, so with younger children it is important to keep an eye out to what they are exposed to. Greet each child positively each day. That transition from parent to teacher is an important one. Often mornings are extremely stressful for families. A warm smile or hug as a child walks out the door can go a long way to help a child feel accepted and wanted. Spend time with your child every day. Even if it's just for one or two minutes, get down on the child's level, make eye contact, listen, and watch. Value each child. Children learn to value themselves through the eyes (and words) of others. What you say (or don't say) to a child has tremendous impact.
How Can I Help My Child Deal
With Stress?
Executive Director, Morgan Center
Helping Children Handle Stress-Related Anxiety
Behavior such as bedwetting, thumb sucking, baby talk, or a fear of sleeping alone may intensify in some younger children, or reappear in children who had previously outgrown them. They may complain of very real stomach cramps or headaches, and be reluctant to go to school. It's important to remember that these children are not "being bad". They are afraid. Here are some suggestions to help them cope with their fears:
Get a better understanding of a child's feelings about their fears. Encouraging children to draw pictures about their fears, and then discussing them, will offer insight into your child's particular fears and concerns. You can work to structure children's play so that it remains constructive, serving as an outlet for expressing fear or anger.
SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN
False reassurance does not help this age group. Be honest and recognize their feelings. Often parents in an effort to calm their child’s fears do not “hear” what they are trying to say. For example, if a child says “I hate school!” Don't say “Things will be better next year”, what they are trying to do is have you recognize a feeling they can’t quite articulate. 
Instead, try and draw them out by reflecting back the emotion they are displaying as well as their question, such as “Wow you seem really angry, what is it about school you hate so much?”
ADOLESCENTS
Encourage teenagers to work out their concerns about their stress. Adolescents may try to downplay their worries. It is generally a good idea to talk about these issues, keeping the lines of communication open and remaining honest. They need the opportunity to vent as well as to normalize the extreme emotions that come up for them. A good way to stimulate such a discussion is for you to share your own personal experience to a similar stressor. They may need considerable reassurance that even extreme emotions and "crazy thoughts" are normal at times.
It is important to end such discussions on a positive note (e.g., what do you think a good plan of action is?). Adolescents also are typically are going through an identity phase of development. Their sense of "who they are" at this point in their lives may be tied to possessions and friends. This can be helpful in repairing a sense of mastery and security, as well as having practical merit.
Reassure children who are having difficulty separating. Children can be expected to have greater difficulty with times of separation (school drop-offs, bedtime) so extra reassurance is important. Let your child know where you are. Daytime phone calls may be increased.
[ back to RESOURCE INDEX ]
How to Help your Anxious Child
Parents can help children develop the skills and confidence to overcome fears so that they don't evolve into phobic reactions. The following steps will guide you in helping your child deal with fear and anxiety.
Recognize that the fear is real. As trivial as a fear may seem, it feels real to the child and it is causing him to feel anxious and afraid. Being able to talk about fears can help, words often take some of the power out of emotion; if you can give the fear a name it becomes more manageable. As with any negative feeling, the more you talk about it, the more it becomes less powerful.
Never belittle the fear as a way of forcing the child to overcome it. Telling a child, "Don't be ridiculous! There are no monsters in your closet!" may get him to go to bed, but it won't make the fear go away.
However, don't cater to fears. If your child doesn't like dogs, don't cross the street deliberately to avoid one. This will reinforce that dogs should be feared and avoided.
Teach the child how to rate fear. If your child can visualize the intensity of the fear on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the strongest, he may be able to "see" the fear as less intense than first imagined. Younger children can think about how "full of fear" they are, with being full "up to my knees" as not so scared, "up to my stomach" as more frightened, and "up to my head" 
as truly petrified.
Teach coping strategies. Try these easy-to-implement techniques. Using you as "home base," the child can venture out toward the feared object, and then return to you for safety before venturing out again. The child can also learn some positive self-statements, such as "I can do this" and "I will be OK," which he can say to himself when he feels anxious. Relaxation techniques are helpful as well, including visualization (of floating on a cloud or lying on a beach, for example) and deep breathing (imagining that the lungs are balloons and letting them slowly deflate).
The key to resolving fears and anxieties is to overcome them. Using these suggestions, you can help your child better cope with life's situations.
Cognitive-Behavior Therapy (CBT)
CBT is a combination of cognitive therapy, which deals primarily with identifying and changing problematic thoughts and beliefs, and behavior therapy, which works to change maladaptive behaviors. CBT may help your child change his fearful thoughts and subsequent behaviors, in order to begin facing the situations that result in anxiety with more confidence. This is a gradual, step by step approach to overcoming the anxiety-producing situation. Children with anxiety disorders are taught effective skills that they can use when they began feeling anxious. As they apply these skills to stressful situations and begin to reduce the anxiety, their confidence will increase, the overall worry will decrease, and gradually they will be able to remain in control in situations that previously provoked high levels of distress.
[ back to RESOURCE INDEX ]
At the Morgan Center, our doors are always open.
Morgan Center
425 Carlisle Drive
Suite B
Herndon, Virginia 20170
Tel (703) 467-9036
Fax (703) 467-9508
info@morgancenterinc.com
[ TOP of page ] [ HOME ]
